One of the key differences between those who are successful in dating and those who aren’t is the intelligent use of eye contact. Eye contact is so powerful that it alone can send a current running through you. Sexual tension without eye contact is impossible. Eye contact can also be gentle and unintrusive – a reassuring glance, a friendly hello to a stranger. Eye contact launches relationships of all kinds. Even infants understand this.
1. Introduction
2 Intimacy And Relationships
Michael Ellsberg (son of Daniel Ellsberg of Pentagon Papers fame) got some press five years ago for inventing and hosting eye-gazing parties for singles in NYC. The success of these events, along with testimonials of profound connections being achieved, led him to publish The Power of Eye Contact this year. According to Ellsberg, increasing your facility with eye contact is one of the fastest ways you can increase your perceived attractiveness. It’s the most important part of body language by far, and he describes it as the tool that adds the sizzle to communication with strangers and deepens intimacy within relationships.
3 Eye Contact
Despite its effectiveness, eye contact is not often used by women in social settings or in public with strangers. The reason is obvious – direct eye contact may result in an unwanted encounter. That’s a good reason, but it also eliminates potentially desirable encounters. In other words, avoiding eye contact with attractive men you don’t know carries an enormous opportunity cost. Ellsberg begins his book with testimony from Gillian Anderson. She stated that after meeting Bill Clinton, she understood that the power of his personal charisma came from his use of extended eye contact: “We all, mostly women, lined up. And when he gets to you, he takes your hand and makes eye contact. After he leaves and he moves on to the next personal, he looks back at you and seals the deal. When I got home, I expected to have a message from him, and I didn’t.” Did Monica Lewinsky ever stand a chance? Eye contact tells people that you are paying attention. It may also communicate curiosity, interest, or a desire to be approached. But at all times, in all human interactions, eye contact signals attentiveness. Of course, those variations in meaning are communicated not by the eyes themselves, but by the facial muscles surrounding them. It’s also believed that the whites of the eyes evolved specifically to help others detect shifts and movements in gaze.
4 The Instructions
One thing I find fascinating is that the degree of brightness in someone’s eyes offers clues to their emotional state. Clear, bright eyes are a fertility cue for males, which is why they are considered a key ingredient of beauty. Darwin said that “a bright and sparkling eye is characteristic of a pleased or amused state of mind…Their brightness seems to be chiefly due to their tenseness…which may be largely attributed to eye eyeballs becoming filled with blood and others fluids, from the acceleration of the circulation, consequent on the excitement of pleasure.” Ellsberg offers instructions on how to get really good at eye contact in two weeks. He suggests a lot of role playing and touchy feely exercises that are not really my cup of tea (no, I am not going to practice eye gazing with my brother). Most of his advice can be summed up by a process he calls “systematic desnsitization,” but it’s really just a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Like nearly all self-improvement efforts, it involves practicing what makes us uncomfortable until we get used to it.
5. Practice The Following
• During the daytime, look at the eyes of every person walking toward you long enough to see their eye color. If you do this when they are four or five paces away, you won’t be guilty of staring. • After one step, break eye contact by looking straight ahead. Do not look down, which conveys submission or shame. I will weigh in here with my own personal experience, because I am an extrovert, and I enjoy meeting new people. In general, as I go about the business of my day, I make eye contact with most people I cross paths with. I’d say about 25% don’t notice, 25% look back with a neutral expression, 40% acknowledge me with a nod or smile, and 10% hold the eye contact for a beat or two longer. (If I were single, I’d add a smile to that last 10%).
6. Longer Eye Contact
I think it’s actually rude to order off a menu without making eye contact with the waiter. I remember once when I was a teenager I put down my money on the counter when I was paying for something. My mother told me that was rude. It implies you don’t want to connect with the cashier by touching them. Since then, I have always paid by putting money directly into the cashier’s hand, and looking them directly in the eye when I say “thank you.” Encounters with these and other consequential strangers are vital in helping us feel connected in modern society, according to researchers.
7. Be Attentive
Just keep in mind that we all have our own psychological space. Making eye contact is giving the gift of attention. It is important to observe how or whether it’s reciprocated. Eye contact is a two-way form of communication. This avoids hyperaggression, which is responsible for both the “serial killer stare” and the “sexual proposition stare.”
8. Repeat as necessary!
Jess McCann is a sales professional who wrote You Lost Him at Hello. She swears that when women try her tactic of Smile + Eye contact + Energy, they get approached like crazy. Ellsberg backs up her claims. I’m assuming that Energy here is communicated by that “twinkle” or brightness that conveys a curious and positive attitude. Research shows that one eye contact, followed by another within 45 seconds, is a sure sign of attraction. If you get this from a member of the opposite sex, you can assume they are interested in meeting. You have nothing to lose at that point. One caveat: I know one young woman who stares at a guy relentlessly until he comes over. She swears by this tactic. However, I’m sure that it amounts to a “sexual proposition stare.” If you’re not looking to signal that you are DTF, don’t hold eye contact for more than a moment or two with a stranger. Repeat as necessary!
9. The bottom line
McCann emphasizes that women should use this anytime they see a guy that interests them. Don’t limit yourself to Saturday night in a bar. Make eye contact with people as a normal part of your day. Make it part of your persona, and turn up the energy when it’s a member of the opposite sex you think is cute. The beauty of using this approach to signal attraction is that you are providing encouragement to men who may need a nudge, instead of responding to the men who feel comfortable approaching women cold. The former is more likely to be a real relationship prospect, and less likely to be cocky. Good men appreciate cues that it’s OK, or even more than OK, to approach. In ten seconds you can send a no-risk message of attention and interest. What are you waiting for? You have nothing to lose but single status. Try it this weekend and let me know how it goes. Or share your own experiences with eye contact in the comments!